The Ballad Of Johnny Windows

– [Narrator] Johnny,
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. Windows, Windows, Windows,
Windows, Windows, Windows, Windows. Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny Windows, Windows, Windows,
Windows, Windows, Windows, Windows,
Windows. Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. Windows, Windows, Windows,
Windows, Windows, Windows, Windows,
Windows. – The act of gigging, it’s like entering the lion’s den, you
know. Except you’ve gotta sing to
those lions and just pray that none of them do a piss in a pint glass
and throw it at your head. – I do thrive off the adulation
of the audience, you know what I
mean. It’s addictive. It’s like heroin. Well it’s not quite as good as
heroin. It’s more like low grade crack. – I never ever ever sold out. Except for that one time. – My Johnny, he was strumming a guitar before he could talk. Some sort of a developmental
disorder, the doctors said. – Simon Cowell and I happen
to be very close friends. Very close indeed. I’m not gay. – The truth is, I live in a
world occupied by musicians, druggies and dropouts. And I wouldn’t have it any other
way. (slow paced music) – Kentish Town, North West
London. A lively, vibrant, buzzing
shit-hole, which also happens to be home
to, in my own biassed opinion, one of the nations brightest but as yet uncharted stars, Johnny Windows. – Hello there. I’m Johnny Windows. And this here is my bedroom. Which places you among the
luckiest woman on God’s green earth. Because I’m about to blow your
mind. I’m gonna suck it in and blow it
off. – Actually, Johnny, I’m just
here to talk. – I reckon the conversation
may dry up pretty sharpish once you find
yourself biting on my pillows. – Jesus, how long has she been
down there? – Not long enough. – Like many countless
other pubescent girls, I first came across Johnny’s
handsome face as part of the Indie rock trio, Night Bus To Cairo. I’d follow you anywhere, gir As long as it was within Zon
Three ‘Cause that’s as far as I ca
go on my On my travel card for free, I’d buy you a diamond, baby Less than one karat small ‘Cause that’s the maximum,
darling My overdraft can afford But the band went to
suffer an acrimonious split when music mogul Hilton
Constellation swooped in perching lead singer and
songwriter Brent Cross through his label. Leaving Johnny and drummer Scott
Free stranded in the wilderness like
modern day musical Moseseses. And that’s where I find
Johnny and Scott now. Searching for some inspiration as to what their next direction
might be. Because just one week away is the most important date in the Indie calendar. The Kentish Kreep festival. Taking place at the
Burroughs hottest venue, the appropriately named Sweat
Box. Fans from all over Kentish Town flock in their droves to party the night away in the company of local
superstars. Tradition has it that every
summer none other than Hilton
Constellation himself selects just one lucky artist to
follow in Brent Cross’s footsteps and receive a contract
with Hilton’s label, Indie Dependent Records. – The two most important factors
I look for in an act are, first and foremost, an awesome
band name. Secondly, and almost as
important, is the ability to create a song. The whole vibe and energy
of that year’s festival. – And perhaps this year, it may be a ditty penned by
Johnny Windows or maybe even Scott Free? – I seriously fucking doubt it. But stranger things have
happened. I can’t think of any
off-hand, but, you know. (upbeat music) – In his youth, Johnny’s dad
Jackie was himself a big name on the
revived Blues Revival Revival Scene. Before the responsibilities of
fatherhood forced him to lay down his
whammy and pick up a shammy. Destined to live out the rest of his days as a lowly window
cleaner. – Fuck off, lowly, you stuck-up
prig! – Sorry, I didn’t mean to– – All she’s saying, Dad, is that
you never really had the chance to
find out how far your musical talent might have taken you. – I know exactly where it
would have taken me, son. To the topper most of the popper
most! You know who said that? Mister Jonathan Winston Lennon. That’s who my boy’s named after. I always dreamed that one day my musical traditions would be reincarnated in my little
Johnny. – How lovely. – Seeing as how my own
days of making music died a bloody death on the very
day this one was conceived. – Thanks dad. – But, no! He doesn’t care about his
blues roots no more, does he? Now it’s all math-rock, breaks’n’bleeps and
drill’n’bass! – You’ve gotta move with the
times, dad. – Bollocks! If you’re talented enough, the times will move with you,
yeah? Good traditional song writing
will always be popular. – It’s not at the moment. – Yes because everyone’s
forgotten how to do it! They’re so distracted
by who’s got the sickest b-line that they can’t see that truly great music is about
timeless themes of love and loss, and expressing real heart-felt
emotions. – [Reni] The obvious respect
Johnny held for his dad was truly touching. Next, I decided to find out more about Johnny and
Scott’s creative process with a tour of their rehearsal
space. So now that you don’t have
access to Brent’s place, you rehearse here right? – Yeah that’s right. This is Scott’s mom’s old
office. – And what does she do Scott,
your mom? – Sex therapist. You used her services
once, didn’t you, Johnny? – Yes, yes I did. Lovely lady, Scott’s mum. Very thorough. – And discreet. That’s why we had this little
door put in, to protect the privacy of her
clients. People are funny about being
seen coming to see a therapist. Although I do have to say, Mommy’s back entrance is a bit battered and dusty these days. – I can testify to that. – [Reni] So why the
three keyboards Johnny? Do you not think it’s a little
excessive? – Well that’s why God gave us a
nose. Apart from the obvious of
course. (loudly sniffs) This is where we keep our like, leads and shit. Here is the hub of our studio. We do all our recording on this. Analogue. All the greats use tape. Every single one of them. Six Pistols. The Stones. – That’s right. – Beach Boys. – Wham. – Wham. – Yeah the African instruments they were stolen from a youth centre for
African orphans actually. Where was that, Sierra Leone? But they had no hands. So they couldn’t play the
xylophone. So I didn’t really think twice about taking it on. It is what it is isn’t it? And I love Africa. – [Reni] So with that
being come from the band, financially I’m guessing things
must be pretty tough for you guys
now? – [Johnny] Yeah, nowadays
I really have to rely on busking to make a living. But I get the feeling that my
limit at song writing skills may be
letting me down just a bit. There are minor delays
on the Northern Line Minor delays on the Northern
Line Minor delays on the Northern
Line But there’s a good service Operating on all other lines Thanks very much. – Back around Jackie’s place I found out that Johnny and his
dad shared much more in common
than first appeared. So Johnny, this is a
interesting looking guitar. Why don’t you tell us about it. – Well this is actually the
first guitar that I ever owned. – It’s the first guitar I ever
owned. That was my guitar, I gave it to
him. And he’s ruined it, he’s ruined
it. Look at it. – Well I wouldn’t say I’ve
ruined it. – Well I saved up all
my money from a Pinto in 1971 to save up for this
little thing and he’s ruined it. – Yeah, well you shouldn’t have
given it to me then should ya? I actually think I’ve made this into a bit of a work of art. I took this to Glastonbury one
year and got my pals to have
a little scribble on it. And hopefully one day, this will be worth a pretty
penny. – You have ruined it now. – I mean it’s mine isn’t it? – I gave it to you. – Yeah. So it means its mine then. I mean this is actually the
guitar that I learned to play guitar
on. I would not be the man I am
today without this piece of wood. – You and me both. – Yeah. I mean it’s still in pretty good
shape. The actions a bit light. (acoustic music) Swing it over. (off tune music) Stop. Stop playing. Shit. It’s a piece of shit. – [Reni] Although they managed
to agree on their all important new
band name, Phantom Power, when it came to musical
direction, Johnny and Scott were having a
hard time finding any neutral ground at
all. (warped bass music) – Scott. Scott. Scotty. – Wha’ blow, brudda? – You know, Scott, I’m
starting to think that maybe my dad was on to
something. Maybe we should just need to get
back to traditional songwriting. I mean, that shit you’re doing
over there sounds, like, kinda,
pretty much, fucking awful. – It’s supposed to. It’s a sonic interpretation
of modern broken Britain. – Well, I guess I can’t pretend
to understand modern music but. – Of course you can pretend
to understand modern music. Everybody else does. Now, come on, these songs
aren’t gonna write themselves. Not until we programme
in the tempo, anyway. Fucking pussy client. (Scott speaks foreign language) – [Reni] Next I paid Hilton a
visit to see what was on the cards for his own protege Brent Cross. – Our plans? (beeping) Brent, we need not that Brent. We got as far east as Westfield
Stratford. We’re gonna be going as far west as Westfield Shepherds Bush. I mean we are talking (whistles) across the whole spectacle. – Across the M25. – Yeah we may even get to Luton. I mean I tell you, in a
back holiday in Luton. Have you ever been to the
Copacabana? Yeah, get in there. It’s the same. We featured (talks too fast), massive crowd in the afternoon. Blew the roof. – Crazy it was crazy. – Yeah if it wasn’t
for the fact it outside the roof would have been off. We’re gonna headline
the Dukesberry Festival. Main stage. We’re gonna put out the
first double sided mp3. – Monday Tuesday. – Monday, Tuesday,
massive heat on that one. Massive heat. The fan base is just growing. And it’s organic. – You can feel it. – It’s organic. You know the first time when like Chesney Hawkes hit the
scene. He ripped a hole in the scene. He ripped a hole in it. – Who’s that? – Chesney, he was the one and
only. Hilton Constellation
doesn’t waste his time. He loves the UK Public. That’s why I’m gifting you Brent
Cross. Let’s make love. Not you and me. – No, obviously. – In a methodological respect. I’m not gay. I’m not gay. – I know, I didn’t say you were. – [Reni] I couldn’t ignore the
fact that sexual ambiguity was noticeably common in the music business. So I decided to approach the
subject with another questionable
character. Scott I have to ask, would you
feel at all comfortable with the
label Gay. – Gay? No, no. What is gay these days anyway? Metro maybe. Would I let a man fuck me? I don’t know. I ask myself these questions but it’s not even at the
forefront of my mind. It’s where I’m at musically is what’s really important to
me. I’m more of George Michael
of the straight scene. Do you know what I mean? I like my drugs and I spend a lot of time on the
heaf. Judge me. Say what you like. I’m my own person do you know
what I mean? I stay limber and I stay ready for whatever comes. Whether that be four dudes or, I don’t know, a drum kit. Banging away. (imitates drumming) (imitates explosion) (upbeat music) – [Reni] Having put his trust
in Scott’s musical judgement , Johnny decided to test out
(warped bass) Phantom Power’s new material on
Jackie. You get to hear his experienced
opinion. Greasy, grimey, grossy Gritty, dirty, slimey, Slutty, shitty I’ll bump a ladies fist As she’s dripping with
moisture Then I’m touching her now Like my winkle was an oyster I’m hood like mixing vodka With a can of maraschino Take a sip of my cock Of grime and punishments – All right my turn, here. Pass me that guitar. Now, listen to this. People say what’s right what
wrong But their words aren’t etche
in stone Some days wrong Some days right Shades of grey from black an
white It’s my choice that sets me
free Middle ground’s no good for No more sitting on the fence It’s paramount to make some
sense This love is crazy She’s still kissing here wit
me Mmm Live a lie or tell the truth Well time needs to set some
proof It’s my will that makes me
strong Do I sing do I belong We’re within or well without Hear me scream hear me shout One more word before I go I say if you want me let me
know This love is crazy She’s still kissing here wit
me Mmm Still kissing here with me Still kissing here with She’s still kissing here wit
me I said she’s kissing here wi
me I said she’s kissing here wi
me See, now that’s what I call Proper Fucking Song Writing. – Johnny and Scott seem to me to be quite an odd pairing. Understandably, I was intrigued as to how they first met. Tell me how the band got
together in the first place. How did you two find each other? – Well, as soon as I hit my
early teens I decided to form a rock
band at my dad’s insistence. And young Scotty here was the
only person to answer the ad. – Yeah that’s right. I thought it’d be a cool
thing to do you know. – You couldn’t play an
instrument still could ya? – No, no. But I didn’t let a little
thing like that stop me. Because it’s just about
passion and it’s about loving. I have the fucking boom! You know I mean like fuck yeah! (sniffs loudly) – [Reni] And when the
band finally did split up I imagine that must have been a
very emotional time for the both of
you. Uhh Scott? – You alright? – Yeah, I just, I just, sometimes I wonder you know. It’s okay, it’s fine. – Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop,
stop. – Look, I know all about
Johnny Windows and Scott Free. It was no accident that
I left them two behind when I head-hunted Brent Cross. See, Brent’s was a head worth
hunting. As for Johnny and Scott, well, them two hairy coconuts ain’t
even worth using for target practise. – I would say that they recently
moved in a very exciting and
interesting direction. – So what are they called now? The Hairy Coconuts? – Phantom Power. – Impressive. Maybe I underestimated them. – Well then you might
be interested to know that they’re doing a sound check
tonight down at the Sweat Box. – I’ll have to come and
check that out then. I haven’t forgotten my roots as
a humble music scout, you know, Reni. And I would absolutely hate for
anyone to think that I was pretentious
or extravagant in any way. – And what’s that you’re
drinking there? – Pint of Cristal. – So Johnny, I understand
that the new Phantom Power sessions have been going really
well. Where have the new songs been
coming from? – It’s all Scott’s material
actually. – Scott’s been writing? – Well, more scrawling in
vomit and absinthe, but, yeah. – Have you not thought of
experimenting with creating some original music yourself? – I reckon songwriting just
ain’t my thing, you know? I do try, but, I never know what to write
about. I just don’t seem to have
anything to say. And I think all good
songwriters should have something to say. – What does Scott have to say? What are his songs about? – Well, his latest one is kind
of an intense, heartfelt love song. – Oh really? – For his favourite amphetamine
based chemical substance. (upbeat music) Oh Mandy You’re not like the other
ladies I follow my nose, and go
wherever You wanna take me – [Reni] Mandy is street slang
for MDMA. Is that right? – Well maybe it is, maybe it
isn’t. – Yeah it is. ‘Cause Mandy, you’re
not like the other women I can take you anywhere I just wrap you up in cling
film Oh Mandy, you’re not
like the other ladies Oh Mandy You’re not like the other
ladies (applause) – Good boys. Good are my boys. That’s what Hilton likes. – It’s an honour sir. – Death before honour, young
dogface. – That is profound, man. – How fitting, seeing as I am the man
who found the pro’s. And I suppose vous want to be
next? – [Scott And Johnny] Yes. – Yes, we would like that very
much Mr. Constellation sir. – You do have a certain je ne
sais whatchamacallit about y’all. – So you like the song. – It was a’ight. I still think that your sound
needs a little bit more work. I might have a little something
to help you boys with that. It’s called fairy liquid. – Is it potent? – Potent? On a scale of speed to heroin this is DMT-infused, opiated, super dry, uncut fucking napalm
bruv. Boom, take that and party. – Ooh. Fuck me, smell the chemicals off
that. – Snowball, snowballing. – Oh fuck you got it in me eye. – Medicate me daddy. – Mouth to mouth. Mouth to mouth. – Namaste. – I’ve seen that before. You have a good time chaps here with your friend. See ya. Listen up, listen up,
listen up, listen good That’s right This one goes out to all my (Johnny growls) Sleepwalkers (Scott screams) All my losers Listen I took a trip down Loservill The other day It’s 5 am and I got nothing
say Looking for something Looking for nothing Can someone tell me when the Next nightmare’s coming ‘Cause life ain’t
easy down in Loserville When you’re staying up the o
way hill And the drugs that you took They aren’t working anymore You think you had a good tim But you ain’t really sure Well your pockets are empty And your phone is dead You’re probably sure that I’
said The things I’ve said Now you probably should
announce it The things I said And now your (sings too fast
head Yeah you’re a loser In every way You had your fun yeah
but it’s not your fave Yeah you’re a loser in every
way At least until the next day – You gotta believe, do you
believe? – I believe! – You believe! Do you believe? Oh man, these guys believe! Do you believe? (slow paced music) – [Reni] Unfortunately, rather
than providing inspiration, Johnny and Scott’s trip
into their subconscious seems to have made their
musical differences even more apparent. – Your music, it smells of like
mothballs. Your music is like, drab, 70’s reject rubbish, guitar based nonsense. I’m a futurist yeah! I’m a fucking time traveller! I’m a space cowboy on a UFO making dark beats. We wanna be making music
for like 30 years from now. For like loopers and like
avatars. Like space age cyborg– – Scott, Scott, Scott, Scott! I just ain’t down with all these rooms you wanna lay on me man! I wanna make real music! For real people! With real hearts! And brains, and reproductive
organs. – Do you know who you sound
like? You sound like fucking
Jackie fucking Windows. Ooh The Doors man, fucking man. – Fuck you!
– Yeah fuck me. – Fuck you!
– Yeah, yeah. – [Johnny] Fuck off! – Yeah. – And fuck your fucking
music room as well man! I’ll find another fucking
prick to play with! – Yeah, I’ll find a prick to
play with! – [Johnny] Fuck off! – Like I can’t find pricks to
play with?! I’ve got plenty of
pricks to play with bro! I will play with some pricks! You think I can’t find pricks?! I’ve got plenty of pricks! Go on go! Fucking telling me I can’t
find pricks to play with. I’ve played with pricks! I have got pricks to play with. – Brent, your set stage. Own it. – Brent Cross, get to know yo. – Start again. – Okay, Brent Cross, cold like
frost. – I mean you have another
go, have another go. – Brent Cross, Teen
Constellation. Blam. You’re not ready. – You’re not ready. We’re ready. I’m ready. And he will be ready. – I am ready. – He’s almost ready. – No, I am ready. – You are ready. A few seconds in the studio, I’m gonna show him
exactly how to do the biz. I’m gonna show him chords,
strings. – Baseline. – Baselines. – Baseline. – This talent is flowing
out this young man. Flowing, flowing out. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah Yeah, that’ll cost you a
fiver next time you hear that. You don’t know You don’t know about me Hold on, press record. You don’t know about me Brent Cross and this is like
family A bit higher. Bit higher. Like a family Teen Constellation We are your next station No, delete that too. – [Reni] Johnny decided to turn
to his dad for some much needed direction. But he was in for a nasty shock. – [Johnny] Dad look, you’re
right. I ain’t feeling this God-awful
new music. I need to get back to my roots. Bloody hell, what the
fucks happened to you? – Bloody window only fell out of
its frame while I was washing it. – How badly are you hurt? – Well the doc says I’ll never
wash again. – Elvis H. Christ! – So now I need someone
to pass on my squeegee to. And that lucky someone is going
to be you. – Dad, I can’t wash bloody
windows. – Think you’re too good for it,
I suppose? – Yes, that is exactly what I
think! I don’t know if you noticed but I happen to be a fucking
rockstar! – Come 5 am tomorrow morning
you ain’t gonna be no more. (slow paced music) – [Reni] So this is a bit of an early start for you then,
Johnny. – Not really, I just stayed up
all night. To be honest, I’m buzzing
my fat furry balls off. – Looking back, what exactly do
you think it was that pushed
you and Scott apart? – Oh you know, the usual,
timeless reasons, innit. Artistic differences. The specific difference being
that I’m an artist and he’s a cunt. – So you’re quitting the music
business? And this documentary too I
suppose. – Sorry, Reni, I just don’t want
all my failings and shortcomings captured on celluloid and
projected out into the world. I’ll leave that to the
likes of Danny Dyer. – Goodby then Johnny. – And Reni, give me a call some
time. You know, if your windows get all dirty. I specialise in bird shit. Got my removal technique
down to a fine art man. (solemn music) – [Reni] With Johnny out of the
picture, I was surprised to find that
Scott had already begun searching
for a new band member. Do you not think it’s a little
soon to be looking for a
replacement for Johnny? – Well, the big gig is Kreeping
up, pardon the pun. And Phantom Power is in desperate need of a new
front man. – Have you thought of
filling that spot yourself? Going solo, as it were? – I’m not really a front man. I’m not even really a side-man. I’m more of a rear-man. In every sense of the words you
know? – And what sort of traits are
you looking for in a lead singer? – Leadership. And the ability to sing. It’s a tough criteria, I know, but I’m sure there must
be someone out there who can fill Johnny’s boots. Who can step up to the job. Who can handle the mantel. Who can pass the mantelpiece on. Who can carry on from
what Johnny was doing. I’m sure there’s somebody out
there who could do it. Pass the mantel. (upbeat music) – [Narrator] The next
station is Kentish Town. Watch your wallets and
hold onto your handbags. – [Reni] After much persuasion, Johnny eventually agreed to meet
up with the crew on his local
high road one last time. And good job that he did because he happened upon a
kindred spirit. Who seemed to rekindle
his musical passion. – I’m Delroy J. – Johnny, nice to meet ya.
– Johnny B Good. – [Johnny] I remember you from
when I was writing Scott about you. – I be right there. – Yeah, yeah, I do. I used to love hearing you play
guitar. – That’s when I was doing
the car window washing. – Car window washing. – John. Rust stuff. Clean. Alright, 60 seconds. What you’re about to see what the Lord may be
true to faithful amen. Heavy. Alright. Here we go, here we go,
here we go, here we go In the mix here we go I’ll miss you guys. Have a good holiday yo. (sings gibberish) – Alright, alright let’s bring
this– – She’s all yours. – Oh my, why geeze Louise. That was quite sudden huh? – [Delroy] Had to be done. – I don’t know, are you gonna let me bless this guitar? – [Delroy] It already is. – Well why don’t you
just come sing with me. – [Delroy] What are you singing
bro? – I don’t know, just come up. (slow guitar solo) Oh Oh Can you sound Johnny and Delroy Singing our song If the sun’s shining Right behind this Kentish To Delroy Would you take the mic from
please Oh Oh oh Johnny B Goode Oh Johnny B Goode Johnny B Goode (Mumbles) From the blue sky
be true Owe Johnny B Goode Owe Johnny B Goode – Yeah. (Delroy mumbles) Enjoy the river guys. Have you got smiles here? Priceless, absolutely priceless. – Well, award ceremony’s for me
are like going to the bakers. How many times have I been there and how many times I’ve
come out with a dozen buns. Awards we’re talking about. Glittering, sparkling,
mantel piece filling buns. We are talking about lightning. We are talking electricity. And he has got it. MJ had it. (Brent buzzes) PJ had it, Duncan had it, they
all had it. We are talking UK, Ire, Euro, US, Russ, Chap, Chi– – China. – Af. – What’s Af? – Africa. – Africa. – Next time you have a copy of
smash hits, bang, who’s got it back at you? That face. And that is no– – They still mix mashes? – Look, they do in Chi. We were out last week and they
were screaming, screaming. They’ll know who he is next time
we go. – [Reni] I met up with Johnny
in his favourite drinking hole to find that thanks to his
inspiring meeting with Delroy he had now actually succeeded in
writing a song of his own. But, having walked away from
Phantom Power and with the festival looming, he was still in a real
predicament. – Typical ain’t it? I wait my whole bloody
life to write a song and when I finally do, I’ve
got no band to play with! I feel like such a fucking
loser. – Johnny you’re not a loser. You’re a lovely,
sensitive, intriguing guy. – See? That’s exactly what girls
like you always say to losers. – What do you mean, “girls like
me”? – Sweet, caring, sexy girls. (slow paced music) – Of course, you know that this
is completely contrary to every
ethic of documentary film making. – And that’s what makes it so
delicious. You know what, Reni, what do you
say I quit this whole vapid music
business? And just be an honest to
goodness window cleaner like my old man. And you and me, we just have a nice cosy little life
together. – You know, Johnny that
is exactly what I’ve never wanted to do. I don’t want to be with a window
cleaner, I fell in love with Johnny
Windows. The stage-diving,
drugged-up-to-the eyeballs, choking-on-his-own-vom, fucking
rockstar! And if you want me
Johnny, you’re gonna have to fight for me and fight
for Phantom Power too. – Scott, Scott? – Mr. Windows, what are
you doing back here? – I’ve come to fight for
my place in the band. – And what about taking
over your dad’s route? – Ahh, all that cleaning stuff’s
gone right out the window, man. I’ve thrown in the squeegee. – Deep. (loud fart) Alright then, fuck it, bro yeah, you can be in the band again. But on one condition. You play my song at the Kentish
Kreep. Not yours. – Alright, let’s hear it then. (beeping) – [Narrator] The vehicle
reversing. (beeping) The vehicle reversing. (beeping) The vehicle reversing. &k Watch out The vehicle reversing. Look out The vehicle reversing. Keep clear The vehicle reversing. Beware The vehicle reversing. Move back The vehicle reversing. Move your vehicle The vehicle reversing. Don’t pass The vehicle reversing. On the left hand side – [Reni] Although Johnny now had
a song to perform at the festival, the band’s new direction was one he seemed far from comfortable
with. (fast paced music) As the Kentish Kreep finally
arrived, flocks of freaks and herds of
hipsters descended upon the Sweat Box to party like only they can. This is no place for
inhibitions. But for finding the beast within and setting it free. And so, for Johnny Windows, this would be his one
opportunity to grab his chance at stardom by introducing the world to the electrifying sound
of the Phantom Power. Power, Power, Power, Power,
Power, Power Power, Power, Power, Power,
Power, Power. (fast paced music) So Johnny this is it, your
big moment in the spotlight. And I see that Scott’s not here
yet. Does that make you nervous at
all? – No. No, no. I would trust my very life in
the hands of my mate Scott Free. (Scott yells) Scott what the fuck man?! – Johnny I’ve fallen Johnny! I’ve fallen into a big black
soup of massive K-hole. – Ketamine before a show?! For fuck’s sakes, Scott! I mean you could’ve at
least ingested something a little bit more lively! – What do you mean? – You’re barely bloody
conscious. (Scott whimpers) – [Narrator] Seasoned wild
men, stalkers and sluts, please welcome tonight’s
main act, Phantom Power! – Come on man, we need to get
out there. – You’re right. Let’s get to fuck out there. Fucking wock this bits. Come on motherfucker. – This way Scott. The stage is fucking this way. (Scott mumbles) (rhythmic music) Good evening Kentish Kreep! (crowd cheers) Are you ready! To feel the power! Alright. Then let’s rock! (cheering) On your own time Scott. Start the track man. Scott. Scott, start the fucking track
man. Jesus, Scott. Scott! – What the fuck. – [Reni] The Ketamine had
finally pushed Scott over the edge. Triggering a powerful flashback to the fairy liquid trip and the ensuing fight with
Johnny. (indistinct chatter)
(laughter) Hey. Scott. (loud thuds) – [Crowd] Fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight. (solemn music) This ain’t too bad I chose To return But you Didn’t wait for me The relationship Is now dead and gone The remnants live on in me And the dreams reveal That I’m grieving still For what Was never meant to be I don’t know why But it happens sometimes I just lose my mind And I I can’t get along Sometimes it’s hard I take my life And I treat it nice ‘Cause it tells me where I’m
wrong Tells me when I’m right Tells me we will be Everything will see And what we believe Is down to what we see Don’t tell me a thing about
you Then it doesn’t me too – So this is really the end
of the road for you guys then? – I guess not everyone can be a
star. Otherwise the night sky would
no longer be black, would she? – You’re going to stick with the
whole window cleaning thing aren’t
you? – The truth is Reni, I’m no
idol. I never was. I’m just a guy. A guy who maybe perhaps, wanted to be just a little bit
special. Wow, that was a pretty quick
come down. – Getting your stomach pumped
tends to have that effect. Then the doctor gave
me a handful of uppers and sent me on my way. – Gotta love the NHS. – Seriously though, Johnny, this
whole experience has made me realise
that me and Class A’s we mix about as
well as a deaf amputee. – You’re quitting? – Yup, that’s it for me. No more illegal drugs, bruv,
never again. – Well, that’s great to hear,
man. – Well ’cause this
prescription things mate, they are the fucking shit! This is the cleanest
high I’ve ever had mate. This is bullocks, I’m
gonna be taking these twenty four fucking seven. Otherwise I’d be like boom! Boom Diazepam baby! – Well, I guess that’s
some kind of improvement. I think. – You know, I never got
to hear that song Johnny. Remember, the one you wrote? – No you didn’t. – Well. – Alright. I tossed a coin into a bottl
of wine Listened to it rattle
as it clung to the sides The sunset through the glass Played tricks on my eyes Left the bottle on the table And I went back inside A note was waiting there Scribbled in pen Goodbye was all it read Signed my oldest friend We’d been together
since I don’t know when And if trouble comes in
threes then how will this end You cant solve a riddle When you don’t have a clue When the ocean is sinking What can you cling to When the sky tumbles down What can anyone do And if trouble comes in thre What will this come to The love of my life
dropped me a line that day Told me she was sorry She was going away She didn’t want to leave But she just couldn’t stay So I drank to her health ‘Cause I know how to pray You cant solve a riddle When you don’t have a clue When the ocean is sinking What can you cling to When the sky tumbles down What can anyone do And if trouble comes in thre What will all this come to I carried on walking Till I was soaking wet I smiled on my way
at every stranger I met If karma is real she
must have been in a mess ‘Cause she confused my
good deeds for pure evilness You cant solve a riddle When you don’t have a clue When the ocean is sinking What can you cling to When the sky tumbles down What can anyone do And if fortune comes in thre I guess that troubles must t And if trouble comes in thre If fortunes comes in threes And if troubles comes in
threes What will this come too – See, now that is what I call
proper fucking songwriting. You my boy are a real
deal with genuine leather fucking rockstar! – You really think so? – It’s true Johnny. You always have been. – Guys, on the evidence
of that performance I’m gonna sign you up, all of
you. – Even me? – Fuck no! I meant everyone except you
grandpa. – It’s all of us or none of us
Hilton. So either sign up the whole
band or fucking do one. – Alright, I mean who can argue with rock ‘n’ roll cliches like
that? – But Hilton, what about me?! – Maybe you should have
showed a modicum of loyalty and stuck with your
little friends over here. – Don’t worry Brent, we’ll give
you a guest spot on the album. Like a tambourine solo or
something. – I thought we were mates? – That’s exactly right Brent. We were. – Speaking of albums, I have one crucially important
question. What are you guys gonna call
yourselves? – Does it really even matter? (upbeat music) – [Reni] So in the end I guess, all of us pretty much got what
we wanted. Hilton signed himself an act whose music was more important
than their band name. Johnny’s rock ‘n’ roll
dream finally came true. Scott got his best mate back and some free drugs to boot. Jackie got to see his
son write and perform a proper fucking song. Brent got a much needed
lesson in band loyalty. And as for me, well, I got my very own rockstar. – See, I told you you’d end up
in this bed sooner or later. – Alright Johnny, don’t rub it
in. – But that’s my favourite part. (Reni laughs) Alright you, on your way. I’ve got windows to clean. And these particular windows are very very dirty indeed. – [Narrator] Next up with
the ballad of Johnny Windows this is Does It Really Even
Matter? – [Johnny] I’ll clean your
window. (piano solo) I tossed a coin Into a bottle of wine Listened to it rattle As it clung to the sides The sunset through the glass Played tricks on my eyes Left the bottle on the
table and I went back inside Remix You cant solve a riddle when
you Don’t have a clue When the ocean is sinking
what can you cling to When the sky tumbles
down what can anyone do And if trouble comes in thre What will this come to Constellation that’s my name Making music that’s my game Man don’t run man don’t play But just remember I’m your
gate Let’s be cool they call me
Brent Cross And on the microphone I’m th
boss I drop my lyrics just like
Herosh You know the name
’cause I’m cool like frost Next up is the star of the
show Top dog Mr. Johnny Windows If the girl was quiet then y
know She’s busy biting on my
pillows I hope you all enjoyed the
movie And rolling with my crew and
me Jackie, Reni, and Scott Free ‘Cause fortune always comes
threes You can’t solve the riddle When you don’t have a clue When the ocean is sinking What can you cling to When the sky tumbles down What can anyone do And if fortune comes in threes I guess that trouble must too And if trouble comes in threes If fortunes comes in Threes And if trouble comes in threes What will this come to

2 thoughts on “The Ballad Of Johnny Windows

  • November 16, 2019 at 1:39 am

    No audio so thumbs down.

  • November 21, 2019 at 7:46 pm

    WTF! Just can't!


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