Historically Accurate Disney Princess Song – Rachel Bloom


Oh, birds! AT SUNSET I WANDER THROUGH THE VILLAGE. GLOWING IN THE TWILIGHT AND SO QUIET. WELL, IT’S QUIET ‘CAUSE MOST PEOPLE DIED OF
A PLAGUE CAUSED BY JEALOUS WITCHES. I WANDER THROUGH THE VILLAGE AND I THINK
THAT MY LIFE IS MISSING SOMETHING DEAR AS I STOP TO REST AND COUGH UP BLOOD I WONDER:
WHEN WILL I FIND MY PRINCE? I WANDER THROUGH THE VILLAGE AND I NOTICE
THAT EVERYONE BUT ME HAS FOUND A LOVE. THERE GOES THE BLACKSMITH WITH HIS DAUGHTER/WIFE
TEN YEARS OLD AND PREGNANT WITH HER BROTHER/SON. I WANDER THROUGH THE VILLAGE SIGHING DEEPLY. SEEKING GUIDANCE FROM THE STATUE IN THE SQUARE. IT’S A STATUE OF CHRIST ADORNED WITH THIEF
HANDS OH WHEN WILL I FIND MY PRINCE? Oh look, everyone, it’s my friends from the
forest, the Jews. Hello, Jews! You know, I never did ask you: why do you
live in the forest? Oh, I see, to hide from people trying to kill
you. Well that’s very resourceful, my beaky little
friends. Tell me: have you ever had a dream that wouldn’t
come true? Oh, I see, your dream is that people WON’T
want to kill you. Well, that’s definitely a dream that won’t
come true! Oh, goodbye, goodbye! Jews. OHHHHH IF I FOUND MY PRINCE
WE’D HAVE A WEDDING ELEGANT AND RARE. WE’D DINE ON KIDNEY CREAM AND HORSE VAGINA
DRINK CHAMPAGNE AND TORTURE A BEAR. OHHHHHH IF I FOUND MY PRINCE
THE CASTLE WOULD BE FILLED WITH LOVE AND LAUGHTER AND HE’D FILL ME WITH HIS SEED, FORCIBLY AND
ROUGH I’D GIVE BIRTH TO A SON AND THEN DIE RIGHT
AFTER! I WANDER THROUGH THE VILLAGE SEEKING ANSWERS. BUT LOVE HASN’T GIVEN ME A GLIMPSE! IT ISN’T IN THIS SHOP OR IN THIS CART OF BABY
CORPSES OH, WHEN WILL I FIND MY PRINCE? WHEN, HAND JESUS?! OH, WHEN WILL I FIND MY PRINCE?? Oh, it’s my prince! Hello! (COUGH) Oh fuck.

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